Lolly’s Inc Forced To Close Its Doors Due To Stagnant Adverb Market

12 Feb

Third generation family business, Lolly’s Inc., is the latest casualty of an ever weakening economy. The Lolly family, pioneers in adverb sales, have finally succomed after several down years.

“People just don’t use as many adverbs as they used to,” said Lolly, Jr., “when times are tough adverbs seem to be the first things people cut back on. Conjunctions and prepositions are doing fine, but adverbs have taken a direct hit.”

Father, son and even Lolly have taken money out of their personal savings to keep the business afloat, but to no avail.
“Not only are people not going nut gathering anymore, they’re not planning to or even talking about going. Adverbs mostly modify verbs, which are words of action. Nobody has any money to go or do anything these days, including us,” said Lolly III
“Go F*%# yourselves,” said bitter 75 year old founder Lolly, Sr., “good luck getting your adverbs at these prices anywhere else. You’ll be truly sorry and profoundly embarrassed when you finally realize what you’ve done to us. For over fifty years we humbly catered to your every whim. We opened early, we opened on holidays, damnit, we stayed open late as often as possible. You pricks ruined us !! When this economy slowly recovers, as it inevitably will, we won’t be around to help you. Try making plans without us!!”

At press time Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla, Interplanet Janet and Mr. Morton were in contact with Bill from Capitol Hill to see if he could use his various connections in Congress to get Lolly’s Inc. a government bailout. Indubitably. DD

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