Family Grows World’s Largest Tomato Which Then Threatens To Kill Them

13 Mar

Boyd tomato after 1 week (top) and fully grown (above) with Kim & Gary Boyd in happier times

Sarasota, Fla. – The Boyd family has used their green thumb and fertile soil to grow magnificent, prize winning fruits and vegetables for over twenty years. But this time they’ve grown a prize winner that isn’t taking a back seat to them. The world’s largest tomato (according to Guinness), which weighed in at a whopping 127 pounds, was not amused at their blue ribbon celebrations.
“Media whores”, cried the mammoth tomato, as it rolled over and crushed the family dog, Snuffles, a miniature dachshund.
The Giant Belgium tomato, which is in the same family as the Big Beef, took over the garden and has now taken over the Boyd home.
“It threatens us on a daily basis,” said Kim Boyd, “each morning I wake to a message dripping in seeds and juice on my bathroom mirror, a message that usually contains some sort of threat to harm us.”
The tomato has brought a lot of interest to the Boyd home, scientists, farmers and various forms of media have converged on the property to investigate. Tests were run on the soil to determine the factors involved in growing a tomato of this size. The soil was found to be high in micronutrients, such as iron, copper, zinc and cobalt, which are commonly found in fertilized soil. Gary Boyd said along with extensive amounts of water and fertilizer, he added a mixture of seaweed and kelp to the soil. These additions, scientists say, are key ingredients in the growth of the tomato, but the main factor seems to be the large amounts of HGH and steroids found in the soil.
The area designated for growing fruits and vegetables in the Boyd back yard is surrounded by a fence which separates it from the adjoining property. The opposite side of the fence has an area where the owner keeps his garbage cans and dumps his compost. The owner of the adjacent property is former MLB player Jose Canseco.
“I guess that explains the size and aggressiveness of this particular tomato. The steroids must have seeped down into the soil from the neighbor’s refuse, resulting in the growth of this monstrosity,” said scientist Dr. Garrett Munson.
“It was the cutest little green tomato when it started to grow. We knew it was going to be special. If you told me that four months later that same tomato would try to kill me and my family I never would have believed you,” said Kim Boyd.
The growth of the Giant Belgium tomato was historic, resulting in a fully grown 127 pound world record breaker, the size of a Fiat and the disposition of a pit bull.
“When it reached its ultimate size and weight and started to turn red, we removed it from the vine, which had also grown to a massive size. 65 feet, I believe the vine was measured at. Of course even a vine of this size could not support the weight of a 127 pound tomato and had toppled over weeks ago”, said Gary Boyd.
“We contacted the local agriculture department and they told us that according to their records the previous world’s record tomato was 8 pounds, grown back in the 1980’s to a man in Oklahoma. We beat that record by over 15 times the size. We were so thrilled, until the tomato slowly, and systematically, began to ruin our lives.”
“The first few days were a whirlwind of excitement. Local newspapers and television reporters came by, and then once the people from Guinness got involved we became world wide celebrities. It was all pretty amazing,” said Gary Boyd.
The happiness quickly faded as the tomato became more and more aggressive, terrorizing the family.
“Things started to be missing; keys, mail, small items like that which were barely noticed. Then larger things like the laptop, the cat, and finally, my father who was visiting from Palm Beach. Then the threats started. We are completely terrified, but the authorities say it’s out of their hands,” said Kim Boyd.
The tomato should begin to rot in a few days, and everything should return to normal. Until then the Boyd family will do their best to survive and are looking forward to making one hell of a kick ass tomato sauce when it’s all over.
(*Editor’s Note: We contacted the people at Guinness, who tell us the record will contain an asterisk next to the Boyd name for the use of performance enhancing drugs.) DD

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