Office Workers Try to Figure Out Who Spit in The Stairwell

1 May

Bristol, Ct-  Scandal has rocked the offices of Blanda-Gunnerson Advertising. While walking up the interior stairwell between the first and second floors, an office worker noticed a small, fresh wad of saliva left on the third stair from the top. The gruesome discovery caused quite a stir in the usually quiet offices, as co-workers tried to figure out why and how such a thing could have happened.

“I did a double take,” said a visibly upset Karalyn Murray, “that can’t be what I think it is, can it? But upon closer inspection it was. Someone actually spit here! Right here in the stairwell where we all have to walk! What kind of a sick monster would do such a thing?”

Speculation abounds. Most are convinced that it was not done by someone in the office, but  perhaps a delivery or cleaning person. Theories are in full swing, as the office tries to make sense of the heinous act.

“Why the heck would it be a cleaning person? That makes no sense at all. They would be the ones that would have to clean it up. Dumbest theory yet. Now, if you ask me, I think it might be that UPS guy. I could have sworn I heard him clearing his throat this morning. I think he has a cold. Too much of a coincidence if you ask me,” said Ted Glumpkin.

That theory was quickly rebuffed by several other office workers, namely Barbara “Babs” Brisbane.

“Ted is way off base about the UPS guy. He’s just jealous because most of the women think he’s cute and flirt with him. Ted hates him. Besides, he made deliveries at ten, and the loogie was spotted before that. I think it was Ted if you ask me, he’s trying to frame the poor guy.”

Work came to a standstill for several hours as the discussion continued, sometimes becoming heated as the accusations began to fly.

“The spit was new, there were still bubbles in it when it was discovered, it has to be somebody in this office. It was way too fresh, it is one of you,” said Judy Koppelman, as she squinted angrily at a group standing by the copy machine.

The saliva has divided the office, with former friends blaming each other, starting rumors, and wondering which one of them could be the culprit.

“I’m sick thinking about this. Physically sick. I can’t believe that one of these people that I share an office with could be so disgusting. Someone that I share a water fountain with. Someone I talk about American Idol with. Someone I might have had lunch with. I’m repulsed by the whole thing. I’m ready to quit,” said Murray.

As of  press time no one has come forth as the offending party, and it is highly unlikely that the spitter will  ever be found. There has been some talk of DNA testing, but both Blanda and Gunnerson have refused to pay for such tests, and have instead posted a more cost- effective ’No Spitting’ sign in the stairwell.
 For now the office workers of Blanda-Gunnerson will be suspicious of each other and things may never ever be the same again.   DD (Laszlo Ferrar reporting)


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