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24 Sep


The editor of this daily rag, in his infinite wisdom, has asked me to talk about the Fall TV season. Instead of hiring a TV critic, these cheap-o’s  have thrust the duties onto a 76 year old retiree. They don’t have a clue what the hell they’re doing over here. Good job fellas, I have enough trouble keeping up with the movies, now this.

I’ll warn you up front, I don’t watch many shows on TV, and by many I mean any, so this is going to be one hell of an article. I get to bed early so I had to rely on my TiVo to record the shows. I just set it to start recording at 8pm and end at 11pm, Sunday through Thursday. Why bother with Friday and Saturday, that’s when all the crap shows are on because most people with lives are out and about. These tv execs won’t waste any good programs when no one is watching. This much I know about tv, you don’t have to be a genius to figure that out.

Something must be wrong with my TiVo, I must have set it to the 1970′s because this can’t be right. I looked through the recorded programs and I see Hawaii-5-o, Charlie’s Angels, and I think I see Cloris Leachman and Betty White on a couple of shows.  Am I in some sort of time warp or have these tv folks just run out of  ideas and actresses? Cloris Leachman was a relic 30 years ago and I think my mother went to high school with Betty White. This is tv in 2011?  What’s next, a return trip to Fantasy Island or a cruise on the Love Boat? You really wouldn’t be shocked would you?

I scanned through the rest of the shows and it seems like there are only about 4 programs on: CSI (3 versions), NCIS (2 versions), Law & Order (3 versions) and crappy talent shows about singers and dancers.  Who the heck wants to watch washed up or unknown ”celebrities” doing the cha-cha? The list of this year’s contestants on a show called “Dancing with the Stars”  includes- the least talented of the Arquette family-David Arquette, some bimbo George Clooney just dumped, a male Kardashian (how many of these Godforsaken Kardashians are there anyway? It seems there is an endless supply of these annoying creatures) and Cher’s daughter who is now masquerading as Cher’s son. Dancing. On tv. I’m more confused than she/he is. Gee, sounds like a great night of tv, let me clear my schedule and plop down on the couch to watch these amazing ”stars”.

I see the cast of one of my favorite old shows “Married with Children” is still working. Peg (Katey Sagal) is playing a biker momma on ‘Sons of Anarchy’, Kelly(Christina Applegate) is a new mother on ‘Up All Night’, and Al (Ed O’Neill) is married to a gorgeous latin woman on ‘Modern Family’, and Bud is..Bud is.. actually I think Bud is in Ed O’Neill’s stomach, the man is huge. I’m not kidding, someone should investigate this. Bud is nowhere to be found and Ed O’Neill looks like he’s gained about 147 lbs. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

After sitting through hours of mind numbing television shows to type up this article I’ve broken down the best options by day-

Sunday: HBO usually has something good on Sunday nights, or you can watch ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’ and cry like a newborn with diaper rash.

Monday: How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Two and a Half Men (sounds like an orgy I attended in 1960)

Tuesday: The Biggest Loser (or as it’s referred to in my house- our wedding video)

Wednesday: Modern Family (until they cut open Ed O’Neill and Bud Bundy comes spilling out along with a licence plate and an old shoe)

Thursday: The Office - Steve Carell is out, James Spader is in. Something about that Spader makes me uneasy, my sphincter puckers up whenever I see him. Couldn’t tell you why, but it happens every single time I watch him in something. It started when I saw ‘sex, lies and videotape’ at a film festival, and has happened each time since. It takes a half hour in a bath tub filled with baking soda to make everything all right. I don’t think that I’ll be able to go through that every Thursday.

My advice to you when it comes to watching these tv shows is this- READ MORE !

Don’t sit around watching too much tv, it’ll fry your brain. You’re probably better off inhaling large doses of the chemicals they use to clean locker rooms, it’ll do less damage.

Until we meet again- Your old pal- Herb “Pop” Kahn