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THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

2 Jan

THE UNSINKABLE BM: THE PRISON REPORT WITH BERNIE MADOFF

Happy New Year, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and all that jazz to you and yours.  Bernie here. Yes, yes, I’m still here, inmate #61727-054 is still serving his sentence- 148 more years to go.  I try to keep busy, especially around the holidays.

We are currently in the middle of our two week in house performance of  ‘A Christmas Carol’- 2 shows daily. I’m sure that you can imagine what role I was asked to play, they said I was a natural fit, but guess what ?  I turned them down and chose another role, Bob Cratchet. That’s right, Bernie has range. I could easily have played the much showier lead role, but I decided to let Garnett from cell block B play that part. He’s done a fair job thus far, but of course I would have killed in the role. I’m trying to change my image and show a different side of Madoff. I am playing Cratchet with a bit of moxy, a bit of chutzpah! No walkover is this Cratchet, no sir, not the way old Bernie plays him. He doctors the books a bit, shifts some money around, opens his own secret bank accounts. In this inspired version Scrooge doesn’t have a clue what is going on. By the time he changes his ways at the end of the show he is nearly bankrupt, now that’s entertainment!  What other version have you ever heard of where Cratchet gets a bigger ovation than Scrooge? None, that’s how many!  When Madoff takes on a role he makes it his own. It’s a shame you can’t see it. (Rob a bank tonight, hurry, only 6 performances left).

I write this as the New Year arrives, 2 minutes after midnight.  There was a time when Bernie had the best of everything on New Year’s Eve, things are a little different these days. Instead of Dom Perrignon and caviar I sip warm apple juice and gnaw on an unsalted stale pretzel rod. Instead of dinner at the Russian Tea Room with Ruthie I will have my hair cut and washed by a trans-sexual named Chartreuse. That will be my New Year’s Day festivities this year.

2011 was another lousy year, we’ll see what 2012 has in store. Things may change this year or stay exactly as is. I may write a book, or I may not. I may escape from this horror house, or I may settle in and enjoy my surroundings. Madoff  may surprise you in 2012.  Stay tuned schmucks….Madoff out